The Attempt To Stay Strong
by xHearMyHowlx
Summary: Ever wondered what Remus Lupin's life was like? You know, the entrails? Well, this is my version of that. Starting from the day James and Lily were murdered.
1. Bad News And Bad Decisions

Rain poured, thunder crashed, and nine simple words scratched on wrinkled parchment all but ended the world. Remus Lupin read and reread the note, not believing what he saw, not believing the only good part of his life was gone, taken away from him like the rest had been. He ran a rough thumb over it, smoothing it out, hoping his eyes were just playing tricks on him, but knowing it was true. It couldn't happen like that. Why had life chosen to be so cruel to him alone? What had _he_ done? Remus shook his head, coming up with nothing he had personally done wrong to cause such terrible things to happen to him.

_Lily and James dead. I'm going to get Peter._

James couldn't be dead. James was one of his best friends, and so he had been for many happy years; he couldn't be dead. And Lily, oh, Lily. Not her, too? Not sweet, caring, little Lily? She was one of the few who gave him hope to get through the tough times when he thought his life was truly ending. Two things, poof, gone, just like that. Two things ripped ferociously out of his heart, and a third in the making. Sirius was going to get Peter. He just knew he was going to kill him. He could _try_ and stop him, but it would be no use. Sirius and James were the best of friends, and somehow Peter got involved in his death, so Sirius was going to kill him. Sirius in Azkaban, now why wasn't Remus surprised?

He chuckled once, the delightful sound lingering in the cold, thick air around him. He had seen Sirius in trouble before, big trouble, but never this big. Never _Azkaban_ big. His smile as he remembered the old days faded slowly. The _old days_. Why had he just thought of them as that? Maybe because it all seemed so long ago, now. Even yesterday seemed long ago now.

James dead. Lily dead. Sirius in Azkaban. What else could happen? Oh yes. Peter. Peter, the reason Sirius would be in Azkaban. Peter would be dead. Another friend dead. Remus couldn't take it. All those years of bottling up emotions burst forth. He sat upon his bed and clutched Sirius's note to his chest. A tear escaped, followed by another.

Not even bothering to take off his shoes, Remus curled up in a ball and slowly cried himself to sleep.

Remus awoke in a cold sweat. His eyes snapped open and he sat up in his bed, looking at the clock. Six o'clock. He looked at himself, his clothes were rumpled and his cloak was tangled around his legs. He wiped sweat from his upper lip. Harry.

What about Harry? What had happened to _him_? He wasn't dead, surely Sirius would have mentioned it in the note. Sirius and Harry were close, no matter if Harry would remember it years later or not. Harry dead would be devastating. Did Voldemort take him? Of course that was what he wanted; the powerful one dead. He would have killed him, too. But what if he'd been taken? What if the Death Eaters had a hold of him now? Sirius would have mentioned that, too. Harry had to be alive.

Beaming and moving as fast as he could, Remus got out of bed and changed into a fresh pair of clothes. He didn't even bother to shave, he was in such a hurry. He glanced in the hall mirror on the way out. He ran a comb through his hair and inspected himself. He had stubble and even a small mustache he had not detected earlier. He smiled, liking the change, grabbed his cloak and headed out the door.

Once in Diagon Alley, he pushed and shoved his way through the crowd toward the newsstand. It was so loud he couldn't even hear himself think. Apparently everyone else had to go where he was going. He just wanted one issue of the _Daily Prophet, _how hard was that to get?

He was almost there, he could literally see it. He reached out as far as he could and his fingers brushed the edge of the paper. People grabbed up the papers, and if there was ever a better example of "flying off the shelves", it had to be that. Again he tried, snatching up the issue, and shoving his way backward through the crowd, the paper tucked firmly under one arm.

Finally he could breathe again. He walked as fast as was possible to the _Three Broomsticks _and sat himself down at a table near the window. He opened the issue. In bold letters on the front page, the headline read:

_Lily and James Potter Murdered:_

_Son Miraculously Lives _

"Yes!" He shouted, receiving a strange glance from a few other tables. He forgot about them. Harry was alive! Oh, how he hoped Sirius knew. Probably. Did they get to read newspapers in prison? At least they'd be informed about the news, right?

Still smiling, he skimmed through the article. He had even survived the killing curse with nothing but a mere scratch on his forehead. Nobody in wizard history had ever done _that_ before, now had they? He always knew James and Lily's son would be great. With outstanding magical parents, how could he not be? Flipping to the next page, he was still wondering how on earth a little child could survive the killing curse. He swallowed hard at the next big headline:

_Huge Commotion Caused Downtown:_

_Sirius Black Murders Innocent Peter Pettigrew_

He bit his lip and read how the scene had turned out. Peter had been hit with such a hard spell not even his body was left. He had vanished from the face of the earth. Sirius was already in prison. Remus realized how careless his friend was by causing such a big scene. He could of at least done it secretly then gone into hiding! Peter had probably figured that out and had purposely stayed in a crowded public muggle area just for that. He looked at Sirius's prison photo and noted how mad he must have been to do that.

Remus heard the scratch of the chair across from his against the floor and looked up to see who'd sat down. Albus Dumbledore. His face became solemn. "Hello Dumbledore." He said quietly, nodding once.

"Why hello Remus. How glad I am to find you here. But of course I _knew_ you would be here." He said with a shrug. He seemed to be avoiding what subject they were destined to talk about. Well, obviously he wasn't there to chat about the weather.

"They're dead." Remus whispered, not meeting Dumbledore's eyes. He almost choked on the second word. A lump came to his throat and his eyes were beginning to sting, but he was determined not to cry, not in front of Dumbledore.

"Yes, Remus. Lily and James were murdered by Voldemort. That is why I'm here." He replied normally. "I'm sure you already know Sirius killed… Peter, was it? Ah yes, Peter Pettigrew. Strange young lad, he was. And I suspect you know that Harry is alive, yes?" He looked at him, eyebrows raised.

He gave a stiff nod, only glancing into Dumbledore's ice blue eyes.

"Well then, I'm here precisely on time, don't you think? You'll be asking questions and I presume you'll be depending on my truthful answers."

Remus hadn't been thinking. Where was Harry? If he was alive, then who was taking care of him? He looked up and opened his mouth to speak, but Dumbledore silenced him with a finger.

"He has muggle relatives in London. I put Harry in their care until he is of wizarding age. He will be fine, I assure you. Precautions were made and safety charms were put everywhere on that house. Voldemort won't be getting to Harry anytime soon, I promise." He said matter-o-factly.

"You're sure?" Remus regretted asking instantly, foolishly doubting Dumbledore's words. Dumbledore saw that in his eyes, though, and simply smiled in return.

"What'll it be?" A waitress a little older than Remus asked. She had cheery dark eyes that looked questioningly in their direction. Everyone knew Rosemerta, the peppy waitress at the _Three Broomsticks, _but she wasn't really smiling anymore. Her eyes weren't, at least.

"Actually Rosemerta, I was just leaving, but I'm sure Remus would like some butterbeer?" He looked at him expectantly.

"Oh, you're sure? I can get you one, too, to take with you?"

"Oh, I'm positive. Thanks for the offer, though. Remus, I have a feeling we'll be seeing a lot of each other. Not soon, but perhaps later on." He said as he left. Remus knew he meant the Order meetings were over; at least postponed until further notice.

He looked back to the awaiting Rosemerta. She raised her eyebrows and smiled again. That smile reached her eyes, for some reason. "He was right. One butterbeer'll be just fine, please." He said, trying to sound normal. She scrawled it on her notepad, winked, giggled, and went to get his drink.

How odd it was for Rosemerta to be flirting with him. He was almost speechless at her behavior. He'd been there plenty of times, why flirt now? Oh, that must be it. He was alone this time. Usually… he stopped himself from thinking. He wouldn't think about him. He knew he'd cry. Okay, maybe he could try briefly. Usually Sirius was with him, sometimes even James and Lily. But not anymore. They were gone now. He inwardly congratulated himself for not bursting into tears at the mere mention of their names.

Rosemerta sat down across from him and handed him his butterbeer, opening one of her own. Remus had a small smile upon his lips. Maybe he could have a little fun. Death doesn't prevent one from enjoying themselves, does it? He took a sip, the warm, sweet liquid satisfied his parched taste buds. Rosemerta had her chin perched on her delicate hand, smiling.

"Beautiful weather, isn't it?" He tried to make light, easy conversation.

"Really? I hadn't noticed." Her eyes didn't move, her dazzling smile growing brighter.

Remus sighed and smiled again. Then he looked at his drink, lost in thought. His thoughts were interrupted when Rosemerta laid a hand on his own, which had been resting on the table. He looked up.

She wasn't smiling anymore. She looked concerned. She sighed and pursed her lips. "Remus, I want you to know I'm here if you need me. If you ever decide you want to talk, I'm here for you." She said quietly.

"I'm fine, really." He replied. "But thanks." She slowly withdrew her hand to resume its position as a chin rest. She smiled sadly.

"I'm so sorry. I know it must be so hard for you." He wished she'd just drop it. He sipped his drink and she did the same.

"Rosemerta," he said, "could we not talk about that?" She nodded and tried on a happier expression. "Thanks." He smiled and her eyes flashed.

They drank in silence for several minutes until the bottles were empty.

"Tell me you're not leaving yet?"

"I think I'll stay for at least one other drink. Except this time, Rosemerta, make it wine." She beamed and took the bottles with her as she went to get it. She brought back two glasses and a bottle of wine.

"So, Remus…" she looked at him. He smiled and poured them both a glass of wine.

Before the two knew it, the bottle was empty and both were a little drunk. "I should get home." Remus's speech was slurred. He grabbed up his newspaper and headed for the door. He turned and almost fell when he remembered the wine. "Rose I forgot to pay for the drinks."

"Oh don't worry about that. It's on the house!" She got up and went over to where he was. She took his hand and held in in both of hers. "Promise me you'll be back soon."

"Of course I will." Remus laughed as he said it.

Glass broke and the two looked at what had happened. A little boy sat as his mother scolded him. She then apologized to Rosemerta. "Oh it's okay. No problem." She waved her wand over the shards and they reformed. She then took out a towel and dried up the spilt liquid. The towel was soaked. She looked at Remus. "Come on. I just have to put this away."

He followed her through a back hall. At the end of the hall she opened a closet door and stepped into the small room. Again, he followed. In the closet were shelves of cleaning supplies and a basket of dirty towels. She flipped a switch and the light flicked on. Tossing the towel in the basket, she turned and looked at Remus. He had a silly smile on his face. She grinned and closed the door.

After that he took her in his arms and leaned down to kiss her. One kiss turned to another. The more they kissed, the rougher the kisses got. Soon he had her back up against one of the walls and was lathering her neck with sloppy kisses. She giggled. He made sure not to bite her, for he couldn't turn an innocent human into a werewolf life himself.

He slowly broke away from her. They both were panting and she was grinning. He realized what he was doing. "Rose I need to get home."

"Oh, don't go! Just stay a little longer. I can take my break now, if you like?" She giggled again. He shook his head and stepped away from her, knowing the alcohol was the only reason for his decisions.

"No need for that. I really do need to go. I shouldn't be here right now."

"Okay then, if your house is more comfortable than this closet, then I can come home with you." She said, still smiling.

He shook his head again and opened the door. "No, Rosemerta, I shouldn't be here right now. I'll see you soon. Thanks for the wine." He left her and went home, slamming his door when he got there.

He went to the bathroom sink and splashed water in his face. He looked at himself, ashamed. He grimaced, noting how stupid he'd been, and sat down on the couch.

He noticed he was still holding the newspaper and opened it up, going to the job section. Again he'd been fired from his job because again his boss found out about the werewolf issue. He skimmed his pitiful options lazily, then decided to take a short nap before doing anything else. He just needed time to get in his right mind again, that was all, he decided.

He let the paper fall to the floor and fell asleep almost instantly.


	2. All Too Much

_Where was he?_ Remus blinked again and rubbed the sleep from his bright blue eyes. Oh yeah, he was home, on the couch, taking a nap. He tried to remember how he got there. He thought back. James and Lily had been killed, and Sirius had killed Peter. Then he went out and saw Dumbledore, and he got drunk and made out with Rosemerta. Hmph. He scolded himself for being so careless.

Getting drunk was usually not his thing, it was Sirius's thing. He remembered how many times he'd helped Sirius stumble home and how the next morning, when Sirius was puking his guts out, he'd chuckle and tease his foolishness. Sirius wouldn't find it funny until about the third time he threw up.

He smiled to himself, missing the normal, easy times when he'd taken a lot of things for granted. He looked at the clock. Noon. His stomach rumbled. He'd not eaten a bite of anything yet. Remus gathered up his newspaper and laid it out on the small kitchen table in front of him. Then he fixed himself a turkey sandwich.

He took a bite and skimmed the job options. _Borgin and Burkes _had an opening to work the counter. Nope. Even though the only good things in his life were gone, he was determined not to go to Voldemort's side, or even get into the Dark Arts. Hmm… Another bite.

He could be a waiter at the _Leakey Cauldron_… Surely _they_ didn't mind if he was a werewolf? Maybe they would. Okay how about… Another bite. They needed someone to feed the owls at _Eyelops Owl Emporium, _another person to help come up with candy flavors at _Honeydukes Sweetshop_, and once again they needed a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts. He thought over the last one. He was smart, plus he'd love helping children learn how to defend themselves against the Dark Arts. He pondered it and took another bite.

Not yet, he thought. Later, perhaps? He decided to wait, thinking he wasn't ready for such a complicated job. He knew about the curse and how Voldemort had wanted the position so badly. Remus even wondered if he'd get jealous and try and kill him, too. No way was he going to put himself out there that soon.

Once he was finished, he put the plate he had in the sink.

It was staring at him again. That thing stared at him every month. He hated it when that happened, and normally he'd disregard it, but that night he knew there was no hiding from it.

He slowly looked up at the calendar hanging above the sink. Just as he had feared; a full moon. He grimaced and went back to the table. When he sat down he heard the distant sound of his owl, Henry. He waited patiently until it flew in from a cracked window in the living room and landed in front of him. A letter was attached to his leg. He stretched it out and waited.

Remus untied it and Henry flew to his usual perch on the ledge of the kitchen window and looked out.

_Moony_. Remus's old nickname was written in loopy handwriting on the front. He instantly recognized it as Lily's. A lump came to his throat and he dropped the letter, choosing not to open it.

He retreated to his bedroom in the back and stopped in the doorway. He looked beside his bed where the parchment containing Sirius's note had fluttered to the floor. He took a deep breath and ambled toward it as if it could explode at any moment.

Snatching it up, he stowed it inside his robe in a hidden pocket. Remus let out his breath, relieved.

He flinched when the pain hit him: A slow, stinging and ripping pain was starting deep inside him. He groaned knowing it was starting. Early in the day it would start, then at night the pain would be so much he'd be blinded by it and go with his instincts. The transformation from man to wolf would happen. The pain was at a lull, thankfully. Normally it'd start when the sun was at its highest point. He remembered the clock and cursed under his breath, losing hope that it was just himself thinking it was a full moon.

But wasn't there a spell that helped with the change? He thought back to his years at school; surely he would've remembered a spell like that, seeing how much use he'd get of it. No spell. There was something, he knew it… A talisman? No. A potion? That was it. A potion. He snarled. Now that potion would have had to have been in an advanced potions class, now, wouldn't it? Of course, the class that always seemed to happen around a full moon. He missed the class.

Again he cursed, this time louder. He hated the fact that he'd missed a ton of classes because of his stupid change.

_Severus_.

The name seemed to echo in his mind. Wouldn't Severus know? He always was the one in school to match his flawless grades, or even pass them up altogether. Severus had been the only one Remus felt strange to say was smarter than him. But how could he contact him…? He decided he'd send an owl to Dumbledore to see if he knew. That got him thinking.

Remus had often wondered what Severus's life was like outside of Hogwarts. The poor guy looked like the school was more of an escape for him. He thought back at something Severus had mentioned briefly in the Hogwart's Express coming home from their first year: "Why do you look so sad? Surely you're _happy_ it's summer?" The little redhead Lily had asked him. (He'd shared a car with Severus, Lily, and Peter.) Severus had quickly shaken his head and looked down at his feet. "No. My father… my father, he… he… _beats_ me…" He'd muttered.

Remus realized why Severus had done so well in school and had loved it so much. An abusive father. Terrible. He remembered telling James in an owl over that particular summer, and how he'd dismissed it and had said Severus could fend for himself. Remus had been disgusted and hadn't written any more owls to James that summer.

He turned to peek at Lily's letter that waited for him at the table. Should he? No, definitely not. But, maybe… just a peek… No. But he had to, right? Yes, he was going to. He walked up to the table and picked it up. No. Don't do it. He peeled it open and slid a heavy letter out into his rough hands. Unfolding it gingerly, he went into the living room and sat on the couch:

_Dear Remus,_

_Yes, I have heard about Sirius's new flying motorcycle. It is absolutely amazing. James and him have been taking turns riding it like children on Christmas for the past week. He even asked me if he could take Harry up in it for a lap around the house. Of course you know how that ended. James argued with me and said he thought it'd be great because Harry was going to be an excellent seeker one day, and needed to get used to being off the ground. I told him it was too early. Eventually he caved, as usual._

_Being in hiding is truly boring, Remus. I'm getting sick of it and, to tell you the truth, I believe it's all my fault now that Voldemort's looking for us, hunting us down like a hound after a trio of raccoons. Why couldn't I have given birth to Harry later on? Or sooner, perhaps? Then we wouldn't be in this mess. Thankfully Sirius stays over some nights to keep James and I sane._

_It's like a prison. Azkaban, if you will. I've read all the books we have twice, the house is immaculate, and James and I can't figure out how to work this muggle contraption you gave us called a… telephant. No, wait… tellwatcher? Oh my, I can't even remember what it's called anymore. Oh well. Albus has even taken the Cloak away from us. When James gets angry about it you wouldn't believe the things he says, even though he takes it all back afterwards. It's crazy in this house. _

_I'm grateful people from the Order visit, but lately they haven't been coming. I wonder why. James thinks they're fighting Voldemort, or Death Eaters, but we're not sure. Oh dear; Harry's crying again. I guess I should say goodbye then, oh, and thanks for the tellyfishing, even though we don't have a clue how to use it. Maybe you could come over and show us, Remus. That would be nice, seeing as you are only half-blood. Your mum being a muggle might be a great help to us all!_

_Oh, here comes Sirius now. He's at the gate, I hear it creaking. Gosh, he's awfully slow… _

_See You Soon, _

_Lily_

A lump came to his throat as he realized Lily probably was killed a few moments after sending that letter. _That isn't Sirius, Lily, that isn't Sirius, get out of there. Run. _Poor Lily. Trapped, then murdered. Probably like fish in a barrel, seeing as to how they couldn't leave that place. They were killed for something they couldn't control at all. What a wonderful way to die, huh? Simply marvelous.

He chuckled, rereading the television part, and how they couldn't figure out how to push a button. The big, green one at the top that said "Power".

The lump in his throat became larger, and it all became too much. He shouldn't have read the letter.

_I told you so._

He watched a teardrop fade into the parchment of the letter. _No, Lily, I will not see you soon. Actually, I will not see you, ever. Never again. _Remus realized that letter was the last the Potters ever said, or the last they were ever heard of. Except Harry. No parents. No _real_ parents. Ever. Poor child has to grow up with muggles, and that's hard, even as a _half_-blood. They never would understand magic.

That's probably why Severus's father beat him…

He scratched out a note to Dumbledore asking where Severus resided, and let Henry snap his beak closed over it. "Dumbledore." He whispered to it, and it turned and flew out the cracked window. Remus ran up to the window to watch him soar, watch him fly away, far away.

_That was probably one of the last things Lily saw…_

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**Author's Note:**

**I'm so sorry it took so long to write this chapter, I've just been working on my other fics and such. I've been so busy, so this took forever. These chapters will come slow, though, so don't think I'll post ten over night, because I won't. Sorry. I just have to be in that mood, you know? **

**But I DO like reviews, so, please, if you will. :D **

**PS: I have to mention I like the idea of a haunting past, with a lot of things he'll regret. That makes Remus, Remus. Like the depression phase he's sorta in, and how he got drunk and made out with Rosemerta. **

**PPS: Again, I love hearing what people have to say. _Other _people. So please review!!! :D**


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